A Focus on five areas of self-care

Self-care is never a selfish act- it’s simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others.”

Parker Palmer

Spiritual Self-care

Although Spirituality means different things to different people, it can be the foundation of self-care. For many, its where they find their identity and truth. If you believe in God, you can take care of yourself spiritually by making time to find out and lean into the truths about Who He is and cultivate a solid relationship with Him. When you look to God to meet your deep longings of self-worth, significance, and security, you will find acceptance and love. Part of spiritual love is to spend time knowing and loving who you are and whose you are and what you represent.  This self-awareness is a symbol of self-love that leads to a discovery of how unique we are and to seeking and respecting the uniqueness in others.

“Allow yourself to experience the full weight of your feelings…without censoring them. Then you can reflect and thoughtfully decide what to do with them”

Peter Scazzero

Emotional Self-care

Emotions play a huge part in our everyday life. Our past and present experiences and relationships can impact our emotions negatively or positively. Our emotions in turn affect our thoughts and actions. Instead of suppressing or repressing these emotions we should learn to recognize, process, and manage emotions such as guilt, anger, anxiety and grief as part of self- care. Self – talk / inner dialogue is a good place to start. This will help us to become more self-aware, better control our impulses, mitigate stressful feelings and change behaviour. Also, tapping into healthy emotions of joy, forgiveness and gratitude will help us love self and others better.

Mental Self-care

The mind is as powerful as the thoughts developed within it. Unhelpful beliefs and thoughts have origins in our experiences, culture, and circumstances are common causes of the unhelpful thoughts and beliefs we often have such as:

• “Something is fundamentally wrong with me”
• “ I do not deserve positive outcomes”
• “ I cannot maintain a healthy eating habit and integrate exercise into my lifestyle”

We are our worse inner judges and see ourselves as flawed. However, being mindful of the origin of these thoughts patterns and belief systems that underpin our personality and choices is vital for self-care. This will help us wake up from this trance of self-judgement We can achieve this by intentionally practising mindfulness and self-compassion. There are several techniques, but we recommend the practical technique by Tara Brach called  “RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion” Rain is an acronym for Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture.

1. R= Recognize what is happening: awaken from the trance instead of avoiding with keeping busy, proving yourself to others, letting fear paralyze you or resorting to addictive behaviour e.g. shopping, excessive social media or even addictive substances. These unhealthy coping strategies can lead to either defensive or aggressive behaviour with others, or unhealthy attachment.

2. A= Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; We allow by letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations we have recognized to simply be there instead of our typical reaction. For example, after we recognised that once again, instead of correcting our child gently to help them learn from their mistake i.e. a teachable moment, we have taken out our anger and lashed out destructively. Then instead of just allowing the sinking, shameful feeling sit, we blame the child or our partner or focus on something completely different e.g., get engrossed on WhatsApp messages. We basically do this to fight the rawness and horribleness of the feeling by withdrawing from the moment. The RAIN advocates that:

• We simply allow by pausing to relax our resistance allowing the experience just as it is
• By allowing our thoughts, emotions, or bodily sensations to be, does not imply that we agree that we are a bad parent
• Instead, we are honestly acknowledging the presence of judgment, and the painful feelings underneath
• We can then silently offer an encouraging word/phrase to ourselves

You might notice hollowness or shakiness, then discover a sense of unworthiness and shame masked by those feelings. Unless you bring these into awareness, your unconscious beliefs and emotions will control your experience and make align make you identify these feelings as your limited, deficient self.

Tara Brach describes how a client by “allowing “ and then pausing during an urge to mindlessly binge on her favourite snack after she recognised the cues, allowed herself to feel the tension in her body and her racing heart and the craving. She soon contacted the emotional sense of loneliness buried underneath her anxiety and found that when she stayed with the loneliness whilst being gentle with herself, the craving passed.

“Between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in this space lies our power and our freedom.”

Victor Frankel

I = Investigate

The next step is to investigate your experience on a deeper level

with an attitude of gentleness, sense of curiosity, openness, humour, levity and non-judgment towards yourself. You can ask yourself questions such as “what thoughts are going through my mind right now as I notice this anxiety?” , “What am I feeling on a physical level, in my body?” . You might be feeling things like tension, your heart racing, or a slight shortness of breath. Also, ask “What am I doing in response to what I’m noticing?” This refers to the thoughts and actions that follow your emotional and physical sensations.

Like an animal lashing out because it is caught in a trap, we behave in hurtful, reactive ways, when in pain. once we investigate and recognise the source of our suffering, instead of burying it away, we develop a compassionate heart toward ourselves and others.

Basically, by investigating with compassion you bring healing and transformation.

4.) N = non-Identification

Non-identification is essence what Buddhists refer to as: “don’t take anything personally.” This means recognising that   the situation does not define you and that everyone experiences fear, anger and restlessness and “no situation is permanent”. Its remembering that below the surface of agitation on the ocean, the water is more still and peaceful. Therefore, try to detach yourself and not taking things so personally. Remember that many others on the planet have also contended with these situations.  Often this process of recognizing that you’re not the only one could change the discomforting experience to one of comfort.

Basically, practicing R-A-I-N creates space around the cause of your conflict and enables you to change your perspective even if your circumstances remain the same. Once you have investigated and connected with your suffering, respond by offering care to your own heart. When the intention to awaken self-love and compassion is sincere, the smallest gesture—even if, initially, it feels awkward will serve you well. Most people find healing by gently placing a hand on the heart or cheek, others, in a whispered message of care. If you embrace this new outlook, you will get more calm and peace and your actions will safeguard you or others.

Filter your thoughts

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he

Proverb 23;7

Behavioural Self-care

Our emotions and beliefs shape our choices and actions= behaviour and vice-versa. Our actions and behaviour always follow the goals we set for ourselves. Behind most problems is an unrecognised or recognized wrong goal. Part of self-care is first of all engaging in self talk to recognize and process any hidden goals we have that negatively affect our choices. Then, making the right goals that lead to the right choices and behaviour. Do you have a vision board? What goals have you put in place? Why? Are the reasons underpinning your goals profound and the right ones? Are they S.M.A.R.T.E.R goals? Your spiritual emotional and mental wellbeing will lead to correct choices about actions that will impact you and the overflow will bless others effortlessly.

“Love yourself first and everything else falls in line and you will get anything done in this World”

Lucille Ball

Physical Self-care

It is generally understood and accepted that what and how we eat, physical activity or inactivity, sleep and rest can affect both our thinking and behavioural capabilities as well as impact our emotions. So, taking care of our Physical body is an important and most obvious aspect of self-care. We would recommend that you get a yearly check-up, increase your food and nutritional intelligence, keep physically active, challenging but listening to your body, aim to get 8hrs of sleep daily and some do nothing at all time daily- just sit with yourself and cease striving – rest!

Self -love/care is taking care of all our five areas of functioning and it’s worth recognising that they are interconnected and impact each other. So, it is imperative that we love and care for our whole- self first before reaching out towards others. And just like one part of our body impacts the other, our actions and decisions as part of the family or community where we have been planted impacts those around us. So, if we love who we are enough to take care of every area of our lives, others will not only benefit from this but will most likely respond with love and gratitude towards us. Self-care is not about indulging in goods and services for example expensive spas /holidays /shopping sprees. Real self-care is intentional, purposeful and costs nothing but time and starts from inside with your thoughts and your experience of moments and is aimed to build your sense of self, peace and calm to make you more resilient. Remember that you cannot give what you have not got – so fill up so you can pour out effortlessly!

5 STEPS TO SELF-CARE THE AFROFUSION WAY!

• Schedule 15 minutes of “me “time every day: no screen – just a book (preferably spiritual) or your thoughts!
• Schedule one screen/social media free day a month and increase to one every week
• Eat a meal around a table with your family once a week and increase to one a day
• Start a gratitude journal and enter 2 things you are grateful for at the end of each day
• Reflect on whether you ate healthily, exercised, drank enough water, and had 8 hours of sleep & resolve to improve the next day

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